Parenting with chronic migraine can mean making difficult compromises. For Sarah Rathsack, migraine has affected her ability to be present for important milestones and events and the types of activities she can do with her children. As a result, parenthood has been a series of adjustments to find a balance that works for her and her family.

Today, Sarah shares how she learned to ditch the guilt, enjoy her children, and embrace parenting with chronic illness.

I have had migraine attacks since I was 5 years old. At first, my diagnosis was episodic migraine at fewer than 15 headache days a month. After college, I started working at a challenging job, and the stresses of the real world hit me hard. Since then, my disorder has become chronic, and I have a migraine almost every single day.

To this day, stress is one of my biggest migraine triggers. My attacks vary in levels of pain, but they are often all over and extreme. It's a stabbing, pulsing, squeezing, searing head pain that's difficult to describe if you haven't experienced one. With the head pain comes severe neck and shoulder tension, stomach issues, visual disturbances, shaking, throwing up, diarrhea, loss of speech, and confusion, along with audio, visual, and tactile sensitivities. My attacks only seemed to get more intense the older I got.

For years, I put on a brave face and powered through my migraine pain, and I was working a very stressful job when my husband and I started trying for a baby.

Migraine gained strength as soon as my parenting journey began

With my first pregnancy, migraine prevented me from leaving my bed almost entirely for about 20 weeks. Attacks meant I had to cut back my work hours and switch to part-time, but I still missed work.

That was when the real fear kicked in for me. I was about to bring a tiny human being into this world, and I was so sick it made functioning almost impossible. How would I be able to take care of my baby if I couldn't even make it to work?

Luckily, my migraine attacks subsided for a time. I was able to enjoy the "glow" through the rest of my pregnancy instead of constantly battling pain. With my second child, my migraine attacks were much more manageable. That time, I felt like a normal pregnant mom with a toddler — tired but happy.

Parenting with chronic migraine

Now I'm a proud mom of a 4- and a 7-year-old. We made it through the baby phase, and now I have a toddler and a bright first-grader who show me daily how hard work pays off. "It's long days and short years" is the best way I can describe being a mom with chronic illness.

Despite my periods of light remission from pregnancy, I wake and go to sleep with a migraine every single day. It escalates and de-escalates during the day, depending on countless factors. Children are wonderful, needy little people who need attention at all times of day and night. But with chronic migraine, my pain doesn't care that my kids need breakfast and want to be played with.

Dealing with “mom guilt”

Almost all moms experience some guilt when it comes to parenting, and those of us with chronic illness are no exception. Being a mom isn't easy. Being a mom with a chronic illness feels almost impossible sometimes.

My guilt revolves around being unable to be the "super mom" I always imagined myself being.

But over the years, I had to give up on the desire to be the "perfect mother" and allow my children to see me as human. I'm not perfect, I'm not always healthy, and I can't always do the things I want. This is my reality, and all parents have to do our best with what we have — and be gentle with ourselves in the process.

Feeling like my children and I are missing out

I feel guilty for missing events and milestones. I couldn't go with my daughter to her first dentist appointment, and it felt like I was the worst mom. Guess what? She has had many more appointments that I've been at since then. It was OK.

I feel guilty asking for help as if I should be able to do everything. Well, I can't. Asking for help is hard, but I've learned to lean on my friends and family support team. They are ready and willing to help, but I need to be honest and ask for it.

The guilt is especially strong when I cannot do as much. On weekends, I hear my husband playing with my children outside, and I get upset that I can't be there. I've learned that I need to have quiet activities if I can't do physical ones. I do crafts and puzzles and read around the house so I can sit with my children without chasing them around the yard. Quality time is quality time, even if it's quiet and contained.

I feel guilty about canceling plans. When migraine attacks hit, you often miss out on events and activities, like playdates with other kids and parents. I try not to slam our days with activities in general, but if we need to cancel, I try to have a plan B activity for my kids.

Worrying that my children will also develop migraine

I feel guilty about my mood swings. Being in pain is exhausting and maddening. I have to work extra hard to be conscious of my moods to avoid taking it out on the wrong person. Meditation, yoga, warm baths, and deep breathing help me cope with my moods.

I feel guilty that migraine is hereditary. My children have higher chances of having migraine, and that is a heavy burden.

Instilling the value of having good health

The best way I deal with this guilt is by teaching my children the value of their health. We talk about nutrition, not weight or beauty. Fruits and vegetables are filled with vitamins that are good for your body. Protein builds muscles. Healthy carbohydrates provide energy. The body needs a lot of water, so drink up! We focus on how food makes us feel. My children help with grocery shopping, meal prep, and cooking.

We also value physical activity. Strenuous exercise can trigger an attack, but gentle activity can be helpful for migraine. A slow walk or stretching helps keep my body strong and recover from a migraine attack. I instill in my children the importance of fresh air and active bodies to improve health. Walking in the woods or on the beach can make a difference to the mind, body, and soul. The key is to make exercise both fun and refreshing. 

I can't help the genes I passed on to them, but I can teach them how to live a healthy life. I hope these habits and relationships with their bodies will positively influence their well-being for life.

The “Chronic Migraine Parenting Toolkit”

All parents need help and support when raising a family. However, managing a chronic and sometimes debilitating illness means you often have to be extra prepared. Here are some of the things that help me be the best mom I can be:

1. Find a support system

As they say, it takes a village to raise a child, and I am lucky to have a great network behind me. 

I have family and friends who know about my condition and help when I ask. I have carpool moms ready for pick up, grandma prepared for a sleepover, friends ready for playdates, and a husband ready to take over after work.

Building a migraine support system has allowed my children to continue with normal life, even when an attack knocks me out.

2. Plan everything in advance

I'm always in "prepare for the next migraine" mode. The more I'm prepared, the less of a struggle it is for everyone. I keep snacks and drinks prepared at all times, and I encourage my children to be independent.

I also prep meals for the week at weekends that my husband and children can throw together after work without much hassle.

3. Keep on top of your migraine management 

I always have my migraine toolkit ready, even when we're on the go. 

I keep my prescribed medication safe, secure, and filled. I have various other products that help me personally, like lotions, essential oils, and sunglasses to reduce light sensitivity. I want to be ready when a migraine hits.

Getting past the guilt and enjoying parenthood

As a parent, there will always be things to feel guilty about. You will say the wrong thing, miss the event, and lose your temper occasionally. Those of us with chronic illness feel this acutely. But the truth is, getting mired in guilt may cause you to miss out even more. As a parent living with migraine disorder, for me, it's all about perspective.

I spoke with a couple of other moms who live with migraine. Two things all of us have in common are empathy and gratitude. One mom, who lives with episodic migraine and anxiety, said, "I may be down for a day or two, but it's better than suffering from something that would take me away from my kids all the time."

I feel the same way. Living with a chronic illness means that I am taken away from my children more often than I'd like to be. But I'm grateful that I have such a fantastic support system. I'm lucky that I have a doctor who listens to me while others go to the ER and face migraine stigma that prevents them from getting the treatment they need.

I've nothing but empathy for those who suffer more, have no relief, and are alone. When others say, "I don't know how you do it," I think, I don't know how others do what they do!

My new mantra: “This too shall pass”

One mom told me she keeps the saying "This too shall pass" in her mind on difficult days. This mantra is a great way of dealing with chronic illness and parenting.

My son is currently going through a toddler-tantrum-meltdown phase. I tell myself that he will grow, learn, and pass through this almost every day. My migraines are constant, but being reminded that I have fought this battle before and come out on the other side is comforting.

I may not know when, for how long, or to what extent, but I know this too shall pass, and we will all be stronger.

My daughter is an amazing caregiver. She becomes more impressive as she ages. She is self-reliant, helpful, and inspires me. I see how she helps with the dog, her younger brother, and even me, and I am so impressed by her maturity and compassion.

She understands that people are different and struggle with their own issues. She is kind to everyone, motivated, and loving. I see these things and have to give myself credit — I may not be a "super mom," but I can see that I'm doing something right in her.

The takeaway

When I step back and think about it, I'm doing a great job despite my chronic illness — and, in a way, because of it. Migraine steals away precious time from me and my children, so when I am well, I find I'm not multitasking and playing on my phone while we're together. My focus is on them and the memories we're making.

Even though most days I curse migraine, time spent with my children isn’t taken for granted because of it. I make every day the best I can, and they are thriving.

The information presented is solely for educational purposes, not as specific advice for the evaluation, management, or treatment of any condition.

The individual(s) who have written and created the content and whose images appear in this article have been paid by Teva Pharmaceuticals for their contributions. This content represents the opinions of the contributor and does not necessarily reflect those of Teva Pharmaceuticals. Similarly, Teva Pharmaceuticals does not review, control, influence, or endorse any content related to the contributor's websites or social media networks. This content is intended for informational and educational purposes and should not be considered medical advice or recommendations. Consult a qualified medical professional for diagnosis and before beginning or changing any treatment regimen.

NPS-ALL-NP-01261 MAY 2024