Caring for a difficult parent can be draining and may unearth old traumas. Susanne White shares how finding forgiveness helped her overcome a complicated past and become a better caregiver to her mom.

They say if you are hysterical, it's historical. When I overreact to someone or a situation and feel like my hair is on fire, I can guarantee that I've been triggered by an old hurt, an old injury, or an ancient resentment. I'm hysterical because something brings me back to a troubling memory in my past, and it's not a happy place.

I often talk about how my mom and I didn't get along. We had such a hard time with each other. I used to think it was because we were so different, but now I know it's because we were so much alike! I was most certainly hysterical around her for decades because we shared a long history of banging heads and fighting for the last word. 

Caring for my mom dragged our complicated past into the present

When my mom was diagnosed with dementia, and I stepped up to be her caregiver, I found myself raw and reactionary. I didn’t think it would be easy, but being a carer for a difficult parent, and one that I’d always struggled to get along with, was exhausting. We were caught up in an old dance of patterns and behaviors that pushed both of our buttons and made us miserable. 

I came to a breaking point when faced with caregiver burnout. I was ugly-crying in the bathroom, feeling like I was a complete failure as a carer and a daughter. I couldn't fight anymore. Nothing was working, and I had no strength left. Looking back, I realize this was a blessing and an unexpected gift from being a caregiver. It forced me to come up with Plan B.

I knew my mom wouldn't change, so I had to. It was time to step back, investigate what was triggering me, and see what I could do about it. 

I decided to change my reactions instead of trying to change my mom’s

I noticed I went into every interaction with my mom ready for a fight. I always assumed we would argue, so I was tense and negative before I even opened my mouth. She sensed this, of course, and prepared herself for battle. This was the old pattern. 

Once I admitted that I never gave her a fighting chance, I went about changing that. I looked for a way of breaking an old, stubborn, and unfair habit of assuming the worst of my mom. 

I began to push myself into the present. Tried to stay in the here and now. I wasn't six years old anymore. I was an adult tasked with making sure my mom felt safe, warm, and pain-free. I began to lean into my sense of humor and remembered that my mom and I had often laughed at the same things. I tried to see the funny in caregiving and began to appreciate my mom saying things like, "Don't get old. There's no future in it!"

I began asking myself, "How important is this?" for almost everything. Caregiving brings some serious situations that need profound solutions and answers. Most other things, on the other hand, aren’t that important. Why did I need the last word? Why was I so stuck on being mad at her? She was slipping away from me.

Instead of fighting over who was right all the time, shouldn’t we focus on being happy?

I worked on my caregiver communication skills, like being more open and receptive, and trying to remain curious instead of confrontational. Instead of focusing on how frustrating caregiving is when you don’t get along with the person you care for, I decided to give both of us the benefit of the doubt. 

Forgiving my parent for our past helped me be better to both of us

I stopped expecting fights every time I interacted with my mom. I tried to make any nice, comforting things I said actually sound nice and comforting, rather than annoyed or defensive. I stopped hearing what I believed was being said and tried active listening.

I did this by putting myself in my mom’s shoes to help me discover insights and re-discover some patience. My mom might be in pain, frightened, or anxious and need understanding and kindness. I also tuned in to the fact that I was letting old history haunt me and make me angry. I needed to find some understanding and kindness for myself. It was time to be less hysterical and more loving to both of us. It was time to learn forgiveness. 

The results of these efforts weren't immediate, yet things started to change over time. 

When I approached her expecting a positive experience, I got one. She still had her moments, but when I allowed her to feel heard in a safe space, she started to relax. As for me, the old wounds were still there, but I wasn't rubbing salt on them constantly. Instead, I tried to take advantage of the remaining time I had with Mom to learn to forgive her and heal the both of us. 

Changes like these are never easy, and we can still get lost in old behavior and patterns. For every one step forward, we can take three steps back. But when we harbor resentment instead of facing our feelings and don't learn to forgive those who have harmed us, we are stuck going nowhere and miss out on all kinds of possibilities and wonder.

Some situations can’t improve until we do

To this day, I'm still working on healing old wounds and figuring out how to let go of old resentments and pain. It's a work in progress. It's also progress, not perfection. I stepped into caregiving with a chip on my shoulder and a grip on some history that no longer served me. I was forced to learn to forgive and let some of that history go by the very person who helped me create it.

Forgiveness and healing weren't easy. But learning to do so changed how I live my life now and how I loved my mom while she was still with us. 

I realize I'm one of the lucky ones because I finally understood that I deserved to find the mom I loved right before I lost her. Being a carer for someone I’d always struggled to get along with forced me to face my past and find my present. It's in the act of giving so much that so much is given. I opened my heart, and the hysteria flew out. I'm forever grateful.

The information presented is solely for educational purposes, not as specific advice for the evaluation, management, or treatment of any condition.

The individual(s) who have written and created the content and whose images appear in this article have been paid by Teva Pharmaceuticals for their contributions. This content represents the opinions of the contributor and does not necessarily reflect those of Teva Pharmaceuticals. Similarly, Teva Pharmaceuticals does not review, control, influence, or endorse any content related to the contributor's websites or social media networks. This content is intended for informational and educational purposes and should not be considered medical advice or recommendations. Consult a qualified medical professional for diagnosis and before beginning or changing any treatment regimen.

NPS-ALL-NP-01424 FEBRUARY 2025